Humility in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15

This is the third in a four part series on Friendship. The topics are inspired by each of the four verses in John 15:12-15 addressing friendship but are by no means an exegetical study. Instead, we can let each verse serve as a springboard for discussion:

(12) This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. (13) No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. (14) You are my friends if you do what I command you. (15) I do not call you servants any longer because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I call you friends because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.

"You are my friends if you do what I command you." -- John 15:14

I once heard a couple speak to a group of Catholics about marriage. The remarkable moment I will never forget from that involved our discussion time. A girl in the class started to speak about the topic, the husband speaking to our group went to correct her, and the wife quickly, firmly, but quietly, gently put her hand on her husband's thigh and he stopped himself immediately. They both continued to listen attentively, and it was as if the wife had communicated the right course with that simple gesture; it wasn't a time to interrupt and correct.

Why does this stand out? Why does it continue to seem so profound to me? I think it's because it was a perfect example of humility on the husband's part and he allowed himself to be corrected, to be told he was wrong, and yet you could see on his face how little this affected his ego. It was the first time I ever saw or ever allowed myself to see that type of true humility in a relationship. In that moment, the husband wasn't trapped in what he wanted or needed. He could accept the external.

Now, this isn't a conversation about egalitarianism or even marriage. But Christ in the above verse gives us a model for friendship: You are my friends if you do what I command you.

If we think of this as purely an issue of obedience or submission, we miss the point entirely, especially concerning friendship. Following Christ, listening to him and putting the Truth of his being into practice requires humility. This is not a new Christian concept, and it's the very reason we are taught to die to ourselves. The gospel leaves no room for ego.

In friendship it's the same. We have to be humble enough to put the other person first. This is always done with healthy boundaries, of course, and many people who seem amazing when they "just give and give" are actually giving precisely because it props up their own self-image as the great, selfless friend. The humility that the husband I saw displayed that day was completely devoid of such a need. He was neither proud nor embarrassed at his wife's correction. He was simply present (my conclusion from verse 13) - acting in the moment out of humility, and then he moved on to the next moment. We can and should all emulate this in friendship.


Real World Humility

It's tempting in the context of friendship - or any relationship - to actually claim a literal interpretation of what Christ says in verse 14: you're my friend only if you do what I tell you. We might rephrase it in our own relationships to say, "You're my friend only if you do what I want you to. You're my friend only if you behave in the way I expect you to."

Though I'm still considered a fairly young adult, I've already learned some hard lessons about friendship. One is that the above interpretation is a complete lie. Often friendships work because two people do have compatible expectations, but practically, I think some of my most mature friendships have come when I have been humble enough to let go of getting what I wanted out of it.

I have friendships with people who I wish I spoke to weekly but only communicate with a few times a year. I have other friendships where I might prefer more space but the other person doesn't. I had one friendship in college that was a struggle because I clearly wanted more interaction than the other person. After months of disappointment my girlfriend at the time said, "You know, Sam, that person really does care about you." I finally had to admit that she was right: our friendship was meaningful and built on care, even if the other person couldn't express it the way I wanted them to.

That was at least my experience of humility in friendship. And is this the only thing Christ is saying with verse 14? No. But it is a part of the layers of meaning in those words and a principle to live by. I never got anywhere with a friend by refusing to be humble. "I gave," "you owe," "I want," "I deserve," - they're all fantastic sparks for burning bridges and hurting relationships.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about verse 14 is that Christ says that if we do what he commands us, then we are his friends. Not "followers" or "disciples" or "saved" or "worthy." How do we make sense of this? For me doing what Christ or your friend or anyone else demands means letting the external become internal. Rather than engage relationship from a point within yourself, Christ is saying to engage relationship by seeing outside yourself!

God, Reality, religion, meditation, and so many other forms of revelation have the same underlying script: God wants to draw you out of you! God wants to draw you out of the smallness of your being into something so much larger and more beautiful. As G.K. Chesterton wrote, "How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos." The only way there is 'dying to self.' The only way to maturity, to seeing, to true friendship is humility. How extraordinary that this is written into the nature of the universe and that friendship is a microcosm of the Divine Reality itself.


Related Posts:
(reflection 1) Intimacy in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15
(reflection 2) Presence in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15

Presence in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15

This is the second in a four part series on Friendship. The topics are inspired by each of the four verses in John 15:12-15 addressing friendship but are by no means an exegetical study. Instead, I let each verse serve as a springboard for discussion:

(12) This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. (13) No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. (14) You are my friends if you do what I command you. (15) I do not call you servants any longer because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I call you friends because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.

"No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." -- John 15:13

To "lay down your life" is such a wonderful phrase. It's so peaceful, isn't it? Maybe it's just me but there seems to be a quiet determination and a gentle resolve in that phrase. It's not a violent phrase; you're not cutting your life down for your friends or destroying your life for your friends. You're laying it down, something that sounds as gentle as falling asleep.

It's a quiet heroism that Jesus displays. And he was certainly talking of himself with this verse, though not solely about himself. We know, of course, that Christ was called to literally lay down his very life for his friends - humanity. Christ recognized in all humans, a friend.

But was Christ speaking of his death with this verse? Yes he was. And no he wasn't.

Short of martyrdom, we can't expect to walk Jesus' path in such a similar form. Most of us aren't called to die for another human being. But is that all Christ was talking about? I don't know what the experience of death would be like but I can't help but think it's much more difficult to live for something than to die for something.

Christ had such love for his "friends" long before his death. He lived for their good - teaching, modeling, correcting, admonishing, opening, seeing, hearing, being present, and self-giving.

In our lives, we tend to think of marriage as the real "self-giving" but Christ experienced every human desire and mutual self-giving was something he participated in fully yet without marriage, not just in his death and resurrection but in his very life with the Holy Family - Mary & Joseph - and with his friends, the disciples. Self-giving isn't only the mark of marriage, it's the mark of friendship.

Laying down your life means finally taking yourself out of the center of it all. In meditation, practitioners are taught to see themselves from outside themselves, to be an objective third-party to their own thoughts and actions and to thus provide a "fair witness." Meditation helps people "find their center." The paradox of meditation mirrors the paradox of the gospel: to find your true center you must remove yourself from the center.

Christ was perfectly centered and yet he wasn't his own center. The Father became his center, as anyone who reads the gospel can see. He's always taking himself out of the equation or else putting himself in the proper context as a medium - "who appointed me your judge," "why do you call me good? Only the Father is," "everything comes from my Father."

Can we say the same? Can our friendships model as much and can we take ourselves out of the center of our friendships? If we did we would find that we are fully present to our friends.

Presence in friendship, full presence, means not having an agenda. That is, a personal agenda of what will come to you through this experience. Sure, I hope for good things from the present moment when I'm with a friend but I have to learn to stop trying to shape it into Sam's idea of that.

I've found that I'm the best version of "friend Sam" when I'm fully present. In fact, I often have to be caught off guard to do it. If a friend stops by unexpectedly I can welcome them, have a conversation or interaction, and then let them go on their way. The result is that I simply enjoyed whatever the experience was.

It's such a huge contrast to what normally happens of inviting someone over, having an agenda for what should happen and be accomplished by that time together, and then feeling that the plan wasn't followed or that it wasn't enough when it comes time to part ways. That is not being self-giving, and it is not being present.

We can be self-giving and "lay down our lives" when we have no agenda and no timeline, when we live in the now and not in the past or the future. Being present means giving and giving without expecting a return. It doesn't mean giving with abandon or giving too much of the wrong thing. You're not being generous by giving what is unhealthy for someone or for you. And perhaps that's one of the deeper mysteries about friendship.

Like Christ's death, true giving isn't spiritually unhealthy for you at all. When you're fully present in friendship, you never have to justify it or argue for it. You never have to say, "well, I know that this isn't the greatest, but dammit, she needs this from me!" (Or "dammit, I need this from her!") Being present in friendship doesn't benefit one and harm the other. It's never an unhealthy decreasing; it's always a healthy increasing.

So we don't have to feel bad about setting boundaries with friends or not doing what others want. But neither should we define friendships based on our own agenda, even if our agenda is to "help them." Some of the most difficult times with a friend are when they are suffering. The great spiritual thinkers realize that even in those moments mere presence, more than a solution, is the key. Henri Nouwen says that we're called to say only this: "I do not understand. I do not know what to do. But I am here with you." Now that is presence.

Like Christ, we have to let go of any timeline and be present. Jesus never expected his life to go the way it did but his fully present state allowed him to accept it. And like Christ, we'll find that this way of being, even if it goes against our agenda, is actually the healthiest for us because it means presence, giving, and true friendship.


Related Posts:
Intimacy in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15

Intimacy in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15

This is the first in a four part series on Friendship. The topics are inspired by each of the four verses in John 15:12-15 addressing friendship but are by no means an exegetical study. Instead, I let each verse serve as a springboard for discussion.

(12) This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. (13) No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. (14) You are my friends if you do what I command you. (15) I do not call you servants any longer because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I call you friends because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you." -- John 15:12

As with all Scripture, that we should read this verse and conclude only one thing - that John 15:12 is really talking about intimacy - would be a mistake. St. Thomas Aquinas held that there were four ways to interpret and read Scripture. I'd agree that there are at least four.

But I believe among a treasure of other meanings, verse 12 speaks of intimacy, intimacy between God and man, intimacy between fellow humans.

These words, spoken by Christ, are preceded by some truly paradigm-shifting words spoken to Jesus' disciples. In them we learn the deep level of union that we not only desire but can have with God. Christ speaks of "abiding" in you and you in him, of being connected in the same body ("the vine"). It's mutual, oneness, togetherness, intimate.

The command to love one another as Christ has loved us is a command to have intimacy. There are practical limitations to this, of course, but it is clear that we are to have intimacy with our friendships, because love necessitates closeness.

This closeness is not only metaphysical. It is not an intimacy of ideals or shared principles, though we should hope those are in fact held in common. The language of sharing a body - the vine - is so raw, so fleshly, and so physical that like the Song of Solomon, it would probably be excluded in some churches if they understood its deeper meaning. But like Solomon's words, time and again the metaphor for "knowing" God in the Old Testament is sexual intimacy. This intimate knowing leaves no room for distance. You cannot love what you keep at arm's length.

Negotiating Intimacy

In my literal friendships, I find negotiating intimacy is one of the biggest challenges. I think it is especially difficult to navigate that path if you're single. Humans are made for relationship and intimacy, and singles still need to meet that need despite not having an outlet for true physical intimacy.

I'm blessed to actually have many healthy, intimate friendships with both men and women. And I've found different difficulties with each. To generalize, my male friends are predisposed to always be at arm's length, and a closer, emotionally intimate relationship usually has to be built over a long period of time. Being male, I'm often not viewed in the same "safe" light in which women are viewed by men. And I view other men the same way, sadly. The culture of "guyness" insists on a lot of rules and conforming to images of maleness that only time or a shared experience can break down. But it eventually, it does happen.

Women seem to be the opposite. Intimacy in friendships with women comes somewhat easily to me, probably because of both the "nature" and the "nurture" of who I am. But if the doorway to emotional intimacy is freely swung open, usually with women, then the difficulty lies in negotiating the boundaries of that intimacy. How much? Where are the healthy limits? This happens with men too but not nearly as often in my experience.

However it's done, intimacy with friends is difficult, either because it's easy to blur the lines between platonic/romantic and healthy sharing/unhealthy sharing or because you have contrasting views of the friendship. Or maybe something else entirely.

I wonder if the way out isn't the model of Christ's love that we have in the gospel. We often think Christ primarily had a self-sacrificial love. But what if we reimagined it as a "highest good" love. It just so happens that our highest good required Christ's commitment unto death but his dying for us wasn't the only reason for the Incarnation, otherwise Herod could have been allowed to kill the infant Jesus with the same results.

No, the love that we are to model in John 15:12 is an intimate knowing, an openness and union. You don't have to give up all boundaries - quite the opposite most likely. But it's a proper knowing, it's a way of unfogging the mirror that is required.

You have to see, as Christ did, the image of God in the person before you. Once you see God here, in this likable friend, then you can see him in others, and eventually you can see God everywhere and in all things. This isn't pantheism, or if you think it is you're being too literal and too surface-level. It's profound and it's the Gospel!

I think we have to renew our minds to see Christ isn't just in our explicit words from sermons, theologies, and Scripture. Christ is in creation and, perhaps most visibly, in the person whom you see so much good reflected in: the friend before you. Once we get that, we can holistically see as St. Patrick did:

Christ with me, Christ before me,

Christ behind me, Christ beneath me,

Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down,

Christ when I sit, Christ when I stand,

Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

Related Posts:
God in Evolution(reflection 2) Presence in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15
(reflection 3) Humility in Friendship // Reflections on John 15:12-15