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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I Don't Get It

Allow me the liberty of a harmless rant. These are things that I've thought about and really, just don't get. Other people seem to not notice but I hope this isn't true. Maybe, like me, you're a closet ranter and you've just been waiting for someone to articulate these issues. In the interest of honesty, this is completely inspired by my friend Richelle's earlier and quite brilliant rant found here. Without further adieu... People who communicate with their significant other via social media. Really? You can’t text or, I don’t know, talk to them in person? You just thought the best way to say “I love you” was on Facebook? You wanted to thank your girlfriend for being in your life by sending her a tweet? Come on. Just post “look at me, everybody” and at least some people will respect your honesty.

The overuse of the word “passion” and all its derivations. Actually this one I do understand, I just don’t like it. Who knows how many drafts of cover letters/resumes I had to clutter with this word because every job wants you to be passionate! But come on, this has limits. If your life was changed by Cancer Treatment Centers of America you probably are passionate about it. If your job is to blog for the office of tourism, you probably don’t really have a passion for “finding great deals for out of town guests” (actual listed ‘passion’ for a Chicago blogger). How could that be anyone’s passion?

Urine pools under the urinal
. Guys know exactly what I’m talking about. Who’s the neanderthal who can’t hit a 180 degree target from an inch away? Without fail you walk into the bathroom & see a puddle under every urinal there. Come on, guys. So the trick becomes to pick out the vacant one with the least amount of pee in the area where your shoes will be. Revelation to women: never touch the bottom of a guy’s shoes.

Tyra Banks. Oh, she’s so proud, so insightful, so progressive in promoting women’s issues. No, she’s really just a gorgeous person who got her own talk show after she couldn’t model anymore and now she pawns off universally made observations as revelatory. Gasp! You mean advertisements depict an image of feminine beauty that’s horribly unrealistic and it’s a bad thing for girls? I’m glad you noticed. You only profited from that industry, oh, I guess your entire life.

People who constantly praise drinking. We get it, you like the sauce. Your tenth comment about your love affair with alcohol isn’t hilarious. No, you’re not “just so much fun” for wanting every social gathering to feature heavy drinking. It’s called borderline alcoholism and it stopped being funny with the end of college. Maybe even sooner.

Multiple “Honeymoons”. There is one honeymoon per marriage! I suppose I can understand calling something a “second honeymoon” just to connote the purpose of the trip but only if the couple in question has been married for a good while, say, at least 15 years. Third or fourth honeymoon? What the hell is that? I recently saw someone my age - 25 and only married for a few years - declare that they were on their third honeymoon. After your first (and only) honeymoon, you know what that’s called? A vacation. People take them all the time. And they take them with their significant others. You’re not more passionate, special or loving than anyone else. Vacations are special enough. Stop with this “honeymoon” business.

People who “Like” Wal-Mart on Facebook. Seriously? Just...why? It’s a horrible company. I know people like to save money; that’s pretty universal. But by shopping there all the time and by liking their page, you’re endorsing everything they do and you’re voting against all of their competitors. I used to work at a Barnes & Noble. People would complain all the time about the price differences: “They have
The Help for cheaper at Wal-Mart.” Yeah, and have you noticed any differences in our stores? We have carpet. People actually do customer service here. The store is clean and friendly, and our part-time workers get benefits. Sorry if that costs you an extra dollar on your book. But if you actually want every store to eventually look and act like Wal-Mart then always shopping there is definitely the way to go.

Mops. I don’t think they’re doing anything.

Duck Hunt for Nintendo. This is the only confirmed case of actual magic in human history. How else could it work? Amazing! But incomprehensible.

The rising price of higher education. Granted, I don’t know the intricacies of this. But I know that at the private, Christian, liberal arts college I attended in Michigan, the cost grew a couple thousand just in my time there. It was one of the most expensive colleges in the state, which I honestly couldn’t have afforded without assistance. I had a great time and absolutely loved all of the concerts, events, new academic buildings and dorms, athletic facilities, etc. that I got to use for free. But was it really necessary? And are these really to entice students? It seems to be a very bad pattern of rising tuition to cover campus projects, which are done to attract students who have to pay higher tuition to cover campus projects, and on and on. Something really has to be done.
Did I miss anything? What would you add to the list? Leave a comment!


  1. You know me, I love a good rant. I couldn't agree more about "passion," and I actually laughed out loud when I got to "mops." All so true!

    I think both of us have left out a really important one: YouTube comments. That might merit a post of its own.

    1. Haha, yes, agreed. I nominate you as author.

  2. Peter Griffin approves this message!

    1. Haha, I almost ended it with "And THAT is what grinds my gears. Tom?"